Saturday, October 25, 2014
12:24am @ Work (Night Audit)
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Monogamous
Friday, October 24, 2014
Anger
Friday, October 24, 2014
5:07am @ Work (Night Audit)
I'm building the anger inside of me. I can feel myself getting more and more angry about things. I want to hit things I want to scream. I need to plan things that are going to help me.
Note to self. Make an appointment with my therapist (haven't seen her since I was admitted). Make an appointment to get a massage before work. And for the love of god keep yourself distracted. Please.
5:07am @ Work (Night Audit)
I'm building the anger inside of me. I can feel myself getting more and more angry about things. I want to hit things I want to scream. I need to plan things that are going to help me.
Note to self. Make an appointment with my therapist (haven't seen her since I was admitted). Make an appointment to get a massage before work. And for the love of god keep yourself distracted. Please.
Hypersomnia
In case the title isn't actually a word; the point of this journal is to talk about how I'm sleeping too much.
Friday, October 24th, 2014
2:21am @ Work (Night Audit)
Between working night shifts one half of the week and being swamped with school, coaching and the gym the other half of the week, it would make sense why it is hard for me to have a consistent sleep pattern. Half of my week is nocturnal and the other half is a normal day. The problem lies in that I don't have enough free time between days or events to actually get up and do something that would prolong my sleep schedule so it adjusts better. So instead I just sleep that whole time (which either doesn't work or just makes me exhausted).
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping too much. It would just mean I am relaxing and not getting too exhausted. However half of the days I sleep all day, and the other half I have almost no sleep. It is really fucking with my head. I am becoming groggy, lazy, angry, pessimistic, whiny, and just all around needy. Not to mention that my depression is spiraling out of control due to the sleep schedule being so fucked.
I've been at a point in my life before where I was sleeping all the time. I would wake up, make some food, go watch Netflix until I fell asleep, wake up to use the bathroom or get a snack if I was hungry, and then go lay down and watch Netflix again. It gave me this sense of lack of accomplishment or lack of purpose. Now that I am doing that again guess what sense I'm getting?
Now I have school and I have a job. I'm not missing out on my job. The only time I've missed out is when I was bed-ridden with a cold. Otherwise I've been to work (both coaching and night audit) all the times I was supposed to be. I have missed a few classes.
School has never been a priority of mine after high school. I see the benefit and I value those who have the education and I know I need the degrees if I want to do what I have in mind for a career. However the concept of college drives me nuts. Paying thousands of dollars for teachers who usually have no interest in who you are or what you're doing. Most are simply interested in getting the lessons done and reminding you that they know the material and you don't. While not all are as arrogant as this the entire program is set up to make the classes about power. The teachers have the final say as to what goes and what doesn't and even though you are a grown adult you are not allowed to have a say. This isn't just university either full of trouble making kids who just want to party and waste their parents money. I've been going to community college this whole time. Every community college expects you to do things their way and to do it all on your own too. It is a recipe for failure. There is no hands-on learning. The only way to understand what is happening is to seek outside help. Which entirely defeats the purpose of having the classes. If I sign up for a class I don't want them to just spend the time trying to cover as much as they can and then slamming homework and exams in my face. I want them to teach me how the material works and why it works. Schools just want to flash you images and play memory with you. Looking back at high school (both the mandatory and elective classes) I didn't really learn anything. I just remembered it all for long enough to pass it at the end of the term and then forget about it all. This process is simply amplified in the schooling I've been receiving. It angers me to no end.
Despite all this anger, school is even less of a priority to me because I want to go to a 4-year university next year and will not carry over any credits so I can apply as a freshman. It is better in that I will be around people who are having a fresh start just like me, I will be making friends that will potentially have multiple classes with me throughout the years, and it helps keep me on track by being on campus and only having school happening. So school is basically my lowest priority right now.
Venting helps. But my usual vent is busy with her own shit. The girl that lives far away is busy with her own parents' divorce, her brother, her friend who just got out of being admitted, her best friend who is having boy problems, and every other schmuck she decides to help with their petty problems. Don't get me wrong I love that she is helping others because just like me it is what she loves to do. But she still has so much going on in her life that I don't want her to help others until she helps herself. She refuses to do so though because she looks at it negatively and hates herself for asking for help from others.
I have hardly talked to her in the past few weeks. It has made me so pissed off that I actually kept swearing at her and giving her shit all day today. I feel I have a reason to be mad however the way I handled it was in no way proper. I need to get hold of that. If I am truly her friend I can't snap at her when I'm upset and full of depression. That isn't fair to her. However that doesn't change what happened. I regret it I really do. I could go into all these problems about my past and my issues with lack of communication and how I worry about her too much but none of that is an excuse for what happened. I have apologized a few times and I intend to keep apologizing. I really don't want this to be how I act anymore. I don't mind being involved and attached, but as clingy as I am is very bad. I'm working on it. I don't have many high hopes for change though
Overall this week has been torture. I'm going to try to keep myself busy this weekend to help eliminate my downtime and keep myself out of trouble from my own mind. I also have to remember that work is not going to help relax me so I need to plan ideas that are fun for me and will help me relieve stress. It doesn't help that my usual friends of late are either not on my "good list" or are not too interested in me anymore because they don't want to date me and instead want to date someone else and feel guilty about it. Which I will admit hurts but honestly that isn't a problem at all. If someone doesn't want to date me they are more than welcome to make that choice. We were friends before I was interested and I intend to remain like that. We will see what happens though.
I can't quite think of gratitude tonight. So if i post another journal entry I will add it to that.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Friday, October 24th, 2014
2:21am @ Work (Night Audit)
Between working night shifts one half of the week and being swamped with school, coaching and the gym the other half of the week, it would make sense why it is hard for me to have a consistent sleep pattern. Half of my week is nocturnal and the other half is a normal day. The problem lies in that I don't have enough free time between days or events to actually get up and do something that would prolong my sleep schedule so it adjusts better. So instead I just sleep that whole time (which either doesn't work or just makes me exhausted).
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping too much. It would just mean I am relaxing and not getting too exhausted. However half of the days I sleep all day, and the other half I have almost no sleep. It is really fucking with my head. I am becoming groggy, lazy, angry, pessimistic, whiny, and just all around needy. Not to mention that my depression is spiraling out of control due to the sleep schedule being so fucked.
I've been at a point in my life before where I was sleeping all the time. I would wake up, make some food, go watch Netflix until I fell asleep, wake up to use the bathroom or get a snack if I was hungry, and then go lay down and watch Netflix again. It gave me this sense of lack of accomplishment or lack of purpose. Now that I am doing that again guess what sense I'm getting?
Now I have school and I have a job. I'm not missing out on my job. The only time I've missed out is when I was bed-ridden with a cold. Otherwise I've been to work (both coaching and night audit) all the times I was supposed to be. I have missed a few classes.
School has never been a priority of mine after high school. I see the benefit and I value those who have the education and I know I need the degrees if I want to do what I have in mind for a career. However the concept of college drives me nuts. Paying thousands of dollars for teachers who usually have no interest in who you are or what you're doing. Most are simply interested in getting the lessons done and reminding you that they know the material and you don't. While not all are as arrogant as this the entire program is set up to make the classes about power. The teachers have the final say as to what goes and what doesn't and even though you are a grown adult you are not allowed to have a say. This isn't just university either full of trouble making kids who just want to party and waste their parents money. I've been going to community college this whole time. Every community college expects you to do things their way and to do it all on your own too. It is a recipe for failure. There is no hands-on learning. The only way to understand what is happening is to seek outside help. Which entirely defeats the purpose of having the classes. If I sign up for a class I don't want them to just spend the time trying to cover as much as they can and then slamming homework and exams in my face. I want them to teach me how the material works and why it works. Schools just want to flash you images and play memory with you. Looking back at high school (both the mandatory and elective classes) I didn't really learn anything. I just remembered it all for long enough to pass it at the end of the term and then forget about it all. This process is simply amplified in the schooling I've been receiving. It angers me to no end.
Despite all this anger, school is even less of a priority to me because I want to go to a 4-year university next year and will not carry over any credits so I can apply as a freshman. It is better in that I will be around people who are having a fresh start just like me, I will be making friends that will potentially have multiple classes with me throughout the years, and it helps keep me on track by being on campus and only having school happening. So school is basically my lowest priority right now.
Venting helps. But my usual vent is busy with her own shit. The girl that lives far away is busy with her own parents' divorce, her brother, her friend who just got out of being admitted, her best friend who is having boy problems, and every other schmuck she decides to help with their petty problems. Don't get me wrong I love that she is helping others because just like me it is what she loves to do. But she still has so much going on in her life that I don't want her to help others until she helps herself. She refuses to do so though because she looks at it negatively and hates herself for asking for help from others.
I have hardly talked to her in the past few weeks. It has made me so pissed off that I actually kept swearing at her and giving her shit all day today. I feel I have a reason to be mad however the way I handled it was in no way proper. I need to get hold of that. If I am truly her friend I can't snap at her when I'm upset and full of depression. That isn't fair to her. However that doesn't change what happened. I regret it I really do. I could go into all these problems about my past and my issues with lack of communication and how I worry about her too much but none of that is an excuse for what happened. I have apologized a few times and I intend to keep apologizing. I really don't want this to be how I act anymore. I don't mind being involved and attached, but as clingy as I am is very bad. I'm working on it. I don't have many high hopes for change though
Overall this week has been torture. I'm going to try to keep myself busy this weekend to help eliminate my downtime and keep myself out of trouble from my own mind. I also have to remember that work is not going to help relax me so I need to plan ideas that are fun for me and will help me relieve stress. It doesn't help that my usual friends of late are either not on my "good list" or are not too interested in me anymore because they don't want to date me and instead want to date someone else and feel guilty about it. Which I will admit hurts but honestly that isn't a problem at all. If someone doesn't want to date me they are more than welcome to make that choice. We were friends before I was interested and I intend to remain like that. We will see what happens though.
I can't quite think of gratitude tonight. So if i post another journal entry I will add it to that.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Sunday, October 19, 2014
It Comes In Waves
Saturday, October 19th, 2014
12:30am
At Work
This girl that I like that lives nearby. She is wonderful. But she is still stuck between me and this other girl she likes. I told her to go for the other girl not because I am angry about this or anything. I just feel that since they go to school together, have known each other longer, spend more time together and are closer in age that she should try things with her. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to see where things go with this girl but I can't possibly imagine that I would be doing much good by having her choose me over this other girl. It's not like I won't hangout with them if she picks her. I'll still love spending time with them and still want to hangout often. I just think they should try things before she chooses me.
But my depression is taking over. I keep imagining that I won't want to stay with her for whatever reason and that I will end up hurting her by not wanting to date anymore. I know that's totally normal yet it still makes me feel terrible. Who am I to come in and take this girl's time when who even knows if I will like her forever. I mean she is absolutely fantastic but she could just be "not my fantastic girl". I would hate to have that happen and make her regret not choosing the other girl over me at the time. I know I shouldn't be near tears on this but I am. I can feel my depression kicking in and this isn't like usual where I am self-hating. In fact the few months my depression has either been hopeless feelings of inadequacy and no hope for the future or some sort of anger/adrenaline boost that I just want to fight or hurt someone (usually in a controlled method but still the aggression is very much there) to let it all out. This is more of an emotional, stereo-typical girl moment where I just want to cry and be sad simply because I can. There is no real reason to want to cry.
My problems will pass. I am aware of this. But this is how I know I'm feeling the effects of my depression. Despite my awareness of the future and that my mood is not permanent nor are my problems overwhelming in any way I am still feeling horrible and sad. Like I said: it comes in waves.
I haven't had any real problems with my depression in a long time. This still wouldn't classify as a large problem in my book yet this is not the lighter stuff that has been occurring as of late. It scares me a little that it can come back like this. But I will get through this. I have gone through this before and I am committed to beating my illness. Those around me have the same mentality and I'll be damned if I am going through this alone. I. Will. Be. Okay.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
12:30am
At Work
This girl that I like that lives nearby. She is wonderful. But she is still stuck between me and this other girl she likes. I told her to go for the other girl not because I am angry about this or anything. I just feel that since they go to school together, have known each other longer, spend more time together and are closer in age that she should try things with her. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to see where things go with this girl but I can't possibly imagine that I would be doing much good by having her choose me over this other girl. It's not like I won't hangout with them if she picks her. I'll still love spending time with them and still want to hangout often. I just think they should try things before she chooses me.
But my depression is taking over. I keep imagining that I won't want to stay with her for whatever reason and that I will end up hurting her by not wanting to date anymore. I know that's totally normal yet it still makes me feel terrible. Who am I to come in and take this girl's time when who even knows if I will like her forever. I mean she is absolutely fantastic but she could just be "not my fantastic girl". I would hate to have that happen and make her regret not choosing the other girl over me at the time. I know I shouldn't be near tears on this but I am. I can feel my depression kicking in and this isn't like usual where I am self-hating. In fact the few months my depression has either been hopeless feelings of inadequacy and no hope for the future or some sort of anger/adrenaline boost that I just want to fight or hurt someone (usually in a controlled method but still the aggression is very much there) to let it all out. This is more of an emotional, stereo-typical girl moment where I just want to cry and be sad simply because I can. There is no real reason to want to cry.
My problems will pass. I am aware of this. But this is how I know I'm feeling the effects of my depression. Despite my awareness of the future and that my mood is not permanent nor are my problems overwhelming in any way I am still feeling horrible and sad. Like I said: it comes in waves.
I haven't had any real problems with my depression in a long time. This still wouldn't classify as a large problem in my book yet this is not the lighter stuff that has been occurring as of late. It scares me a little that it can come back like this. But I will get through this. I have gone through this before and I am committed to beating my illness. Those around me have the same mentality and I'll be damned if I am going through this alone. I. Will. Be. Okay.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Exhaustion
Despite being trained for this I am exhausted today. I was swamped and didn't have nearly as much down time as I thought I would. Granted the down time today was pretty screwy and some normal procedures were pushed back a bit because I was waiting on other things. Regardless though I am definitely more tired than I should be. So I will keep this journal brief. I can feel myself losing recovery process. I'm going to hydrate as much as I can, go home and shower, eat dinner, go to bed, and attempt to stay in bed for at least eight hours. I'm really hoping to sleep through most of the midday so I can enjoy my mom's birthday dinner tonight before work and my family coming to surprise her for her birthday.
I am absolutely grateful for many things but today I am grateful for being able to accept that I am too lazy to write them all down.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
I am absolutely grateful for many things but today I am grateful for being able to accept that I am too lazy to write them all down.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Anxious Beginning
Today (again tonight...you know I really should time stamp these at the beginning) I am full of anxiety. Tonight is the first night I am on my own doing the night audit. Of course I can handle it and usually I'm nervous about being left on my own with stuff like this; as anyone would be. This is a bit more than I'm used to. I'm very tempted to meditate in the back office because I am so edgy right now. I would explain it as anxiety which to me is like having nerves before a big sporting event or a date of some kind. While that description isn't false I would definitely say that my feelings and emotions now are very much more of how everyone else would describe anxiety. I feel very stiff and nervous like my body could collapse at any moment or that I might snap and having a fit of crying or panic. Here's to the first night.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Getting Back On The Horse
So I've been in bed for three days now. Finally I am out of bed. I don't feel too shitty and honestly I don't think I'm in very bad shape at all. However I still have some minor congestion and a frog in my throat. So to everyone I pass it sounds worse than it actually being said. Despite all that people haven't really made a fuss about anything. Well except for me. I have been laying in bed for three days! If that isn't complete bullshit then I don't know what is.
Maybe I'm just complaining a bunch because I almost never get sick like this. Sometimes I may feel a bit under the weather and sleep in but I haven't been bed ridden in a few years. Last time it was pink-eye (gross) and even then I only stayed in bed because I had to to get better. This time not only did I need to stay in bed to get better, but I was also so worn-out with the sickness that I stayed in bed and slept on and off all three days.
Again as I said before I usually love being lazy but sick is not something I'm okay with. In order to avoid having the same point covered I will move on. I have been so strapped to that bed I haven't eaten properly all week and have not been medicating properly. I'm almost positive I've lost weight. I'm incredibly irritable because of not taking Prozac, and I'm almost positive I'm dehydrated. Is any of this anyone's fault but my own? Of course not. I am completely aware of this fact. It makes me even more mad at myself and my sickness when I accept this.
Thankfully I have to go to work so I got up and while I know I'll be exhausted after this shift, I am thankful that I can get up and keep myself busy while getting my body working again to help rid myself of the last of this cold. Hopefully this is the last I hear of the cold that ruined my week.
Despite the cold things haven't been too hectic. Girls are the only real problem I was having. Even then the problems weren't too crazy. It is mostly my own problems and emotions getting in my own way. There are two girls. One was there when I went through the start of my depression and was my support person during and after. She really helped/helps a lot through everything. Despite the distance (3,000 miles) and her being 17 I couldn't help but fall for her. She really is my angel. Yet we both know that the distance and time it would take to see each other isn't worth waiting. I've been in relationships like this before and they didn't end well so I'm very hesitant to jump back into something like this. I know she is wonderful but I don't know how much of the wonderfulness is real and how much my brain just fills in the blanks with. Then there is this other girl. She's a sweetheart and I enjoy hanging out and socializing with her alone or with others. But by no means is she what my brain tells me I want out of a girlfriend. She is much more independent and not so child-like that I usually find in girls I am interested in. Yet she still makes me happy and I find her gorgeous and I love being around her. The problem I'm having is I know I should date the girl here. The girl who lives far away is wonderful but I still don't know for sure if she is my wonderful. I just want to believe she is. The girl that is here is not the same at all. Yet she makes me happy and I like her and I'm pretty sure that I don't know what I want. So why wouldn't I want to spend my time with someone who makes me happy and I enjoy being around? That's the thing. There isn't a good reason. I am just so scared of making the wrong choice and of my past relationships happening again that I don't want to make a choice. I love both of these girls but I can't have both of them because that's not fair to either of them. The more I think about it the more I know I need to stop being such a bitch and just date the girl here. The girl from far away knows that things may not ever work out between us and she actually encourages me to date this other girl. Sometimes I feel like she just does it though because she doesn't believe she deserves a boyfriend or someone that makes her happy. Also the girl who is here is doing the same thing I am where she likes another girl (yes she is bi) and doesn't know who to pick between me and her and the girl has been around longer than I have. Both of our scenarios make us want to believe the person who has been around longer is the better fit but history and better judgement tells us that that isn't necessarily true. I believe we should see where things go.
The other problem I had is that I am honest. Way too honest! I will be blunt with you if I have to be. In a situation like this I have no problem discussing all of this with both girls. Now both of them appreciate my honesty I don't doubt that at all. However I can obviously tell that they don't always enjoy what I have to say (and who would? the truth sucks sometimes). That's where I got a lot of my shitty emotions today. I was very upset that I possibly ruined things with this girl simply because I didn't know when to shut my mouth. Don't get me wrong I would much rather be too honest than lie too much. However I am aware that too much of anything is a bad thing. I definitely have hurt my chances many times in the past because I was too honest. Sometimes it really is so shocking that people don't know how to deal with it. Other times it is simply that I don't have a stopping point and just keep talking regardless of the person's boundaries. This is one of those moments where I won't change anything about myself (honesty is one of the biggest morals I believe in) but that doesn't mean I don't regret the trouble it (and by it I mean me) gets me into.
Regardless I think I will work this situation out and either way it isn't the end of the world. It may feel like it is for a little bit but I know very well that life will go on and things will get better.
So here are today's things I'm grateful for.
Today is October 17, 2014. It is now 4:28am.
Today I am thankful for:
That's all for this journal guys. Enjoy your days everybody.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Maybe I'm just complaining a bunch because I almost never get sick like this. Sometimes I may feel a bit under the weather and sleep in but I haven't been bed ridden in a few years. Last time it was pink-eye (gross) and even then I only stayed in bed because I had to to get better. This time not only did I need to stay in bed to get better, but I was also so worn-out with the sickness that I stayed in bed and slept on and off all three days.
Again as I said before I usually love being lazy but sick is not something I'm okay with. In order to avoid having the same point covered I will move on. I have been so strapped to that bed I haven't eaten properly all week and have not been medicating properly. I'm almost positive I've lost weight. I'm incredibly irritable because of not taking Prozac, and I'm almost positive I'm dehydrated. Is any of this anyone's fault but my own? Of course not. I am completely aware of this fact. It makes me even more mad at myself and my sickness when I accept this.
Thankfully I have to go to work so I got up and while I know I'll be exhausted after this shift, I am thankful that I can get up and keep myself busy while getting my body working again to help rid myself of the last of this cold. Hopefully this is the last I hear of the cold that ruined my week.
Despite the cold things haven't been too hectic. Girls are the only real problem I was having. Even then the problems weren't too crazy. It is mostly my own problems and emotions getting in my own way. There are two girls. One was there when I went through the start of my depression and was my support person during and after. She really helped/helps a lot through everything. Despite the distance (3,000 miles) and her being 17 I couldn't help but fall for her. She really is my angel. Yet we both know that the distance and time it would take to see each other isn't worth waiting. I've been in relationships like this before and they didn't end well so I'm very hesitant to jump back into something like this. I know she is wonderful but I don't know how much of the wonderfulness is real and how much my brain just fills in the blanks with. Then there is this other girl. She's a sweetheart and I enjoy hanging out and socializing with her alone or with others. But by no means is she what my brain tells me I want out of a girlfriend. She is much more independent and not so child-like that I usually find in girls I am interested in. Yet she still makes me happy and I find her gorgeous and I love being around her. The problem I'm having is I know I should date the girl here. The girl who lives far away is wonderful but I still don't know for sure if she is my wonderful. I just want to believe she is. The girl that is here is not the same at all. Yet she makes me happy and I like her and I'm pretty sure that I don't know what I want. So why wouldn't I want to spend my time with someone who makes me happy and I enjoy being around? That's the thing. There isn't a good reason. I am just so scared of making the wrong choice and of my past relationships happening again that I don't want to make a choice. I love both of these girls but I can't have both of them because that's not fair to either of them. The more I think about it the more I know I need to stop being such a bitch and just date the girl here. The girl from far away knows that things may not ever work out between us and she actually encourages me to date this other girl. Sometimes I feel like she just does it though because she doesn't believe she deserves a boyfriend or someone that makes her happy. Also the girl who is here is doing the same thing I am where she likes another girl (yes she is bi) and doesn't know who to pick between me and her and the girl has been around longer than I have. Both of our scenarios make us want to believe the person who has been around longer is the better fit but history and better judgement tells us that that isn't necessarily true. I believe we should see where things go.
The other problem I had is that I am honest. Way too honest! I will be blunt with you if I have to be. In a situation like this I have no problem discussing all of this with both girls. Now both of them appreciate my honesty I don't doubt that at all. However I can obviously tell that they don't always enjoy what I have to say (and who would? the truth sucks sometimes). That's where I got a lot of my shitty emotions today. I was very upset that I possibly ruined things with this girl simply because I didn't know when to shut my mouth. Don't get me wrong I would much rather be too honest than lie too much. However I am aware that too much of anything is a bad thing. I definitely have hurt my chances many times in the past because I was too honest. Sometimes it really is so shocking that people don't know how to deal with it. Other times it is simply that I don't have a stopping point and just keep talking regardless of the person's boundaries. This is one of those moments where I won't change anything about myself (honesty is one of the biggest morals I believe in) but that doesn't mean I don't regret the trouble it (and by it I mean me) gets me into.
Regardless I think I will work this situation out and either way it isn't the end of the world. It may feel like it is for a little bit but I know very well that life will go on and things will get better.
So here are today's things I'm grateful for.
Today is October 17, 2014. It is now 4:28am.
Today I am thankful for:
- My dogs
- Being able to sleep in and rest when I need it
- Having people around me to talk to when I am stressed
- My math skills
- My bed
That's all for this journal guys. Enjoy your days everybody.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
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