Saturday, October 25, 2014
12:24am @ Work (Night Audit)
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Monogamous
Friday, October 24, 2014
Anger
Friday, October 24, 2014
5:07am @ Work (Night Audit)
I'm building the anger inside of me. I can feel myself getting more and more angry about things. I want to hit things I want to scream. I need to plan things that are going to help me.
Note to self. Make an appointment with my therapist (haven't seen her since I was admitted). Make an appointment to get a massage before work. And for the love of god keep yourself distracted. Please.
5:07am @ Work (Night Audit)
I'm building the anger inside of me. I can feel myself getting more and more angry about things. I want to hit things I want to scream. I need to plan things that are going to help me.
Note to self. Make an appointment with my therapist (haven't seen her since I was admitted). Make an appointment to get a massage before work. And for the love of god keep yourself distracted. Please.
Hypersomnia
In case the title isn't actually a word; the point of this journal is to talk about how I'm sleeping too much.
Friday, October 24th, 2014
2:21am @ Work (Night Audit)
Between working night shifts one half of the week and being swamped with school, coaching and the gym the other half of the week, it would make sense why it is hard for me to have a consistent sleep pattern. Half of my week is nocturnal and the other half is a normal day. The problem lies in that I don't have enough free time between days or events to actually get up and do something that would prolong my sleep schedule so it adjusts better. So instead I just sleep that whole time (which either doesn't work or just makes me exhausted).
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping too much. It would just mean I am relaxing and not getting too exhausted. However half of the days I sleep all day, and the other half I have almost no sleep. It is really fucking with my head. I am becoming groggy, lazy, angry, pessimistic, whiny, and just all around needy. Not to mention that my depression is spiraling out of control due to the sleep schedule being so fucked.
I've been at a point in my life before where I was sleeping all the time. I would wake up, make some food, go watch Netflix until I fell asleep, wake up to use the bathroom or get a snack if I was hungry, and then go lay down and watch Netflix again. It gave me this sense of lack of accomplishment or lack of purpose. Now that I am doing that again guess what sense I'm getting?
Now I have school and I have a job. I'm not missing out on my job. The only time I've missed out is when I was bed-ridden with a cold. Otherwise I've been to work (both coaching and night audit) all the times I was supposed to be. I have missed a few classes.
School has never been a priority of mine after high school. I see the benefit and I value those who have the education and I know I need the degrees if I want to do what I have in mind for a career. However the concept of college drives me nuts. Paying thousands of dollars for teachers who usually have no interest in who you are or what you're doing. Most are simply interested in getting the lessons done and reminding you that they know the material and you don't. While not all are as arrogant as this the entire program is set up to make the classes about power. The teachers have the final say as to what goes and what doesn't and even though you are a grown adult you are not allowed to have a say. This isn't just university either full of trouble making kids who just want to party and waste their parents money. I've been going to community college this whole time. Every community college expects you to do things their way and to do it all on your own too. It is a recipe for failure. There is no hands-on learning. The only way to understand what is happening is to seek outside help. Which entirely defeats the purpose of having the classes. If I sign up for a class I don't want them to just spend the time trying to cover as much as they can and then slamming homework and exams in my face. I want them to teach me how the material works and why it works. Schools just want to flash you images and play memory with you. Looking back at high school (both the mandatory and elective classes) I didn't really learn anything. I just remembered it all for long enough to pass it at the end of the term and then forget about it all. This process is simply amplified in the schooling I've been receiving. It angers me to no end.
Despite all this anger, school is even less of a priority to me because I want to go to a 4-year university next year and will not carry over any credits so I can apply as a freshman. It is better in that I will be around people who are having a fresh start just like me, I will be making friends that will potentially have multiple classes with me throughout the years, and it helps keep me on track by being on campus and only having school happening. So school is basically my lowest priority right now.
Venting helps. But my usual vent is busy with her own shit. The girl that lives far away is busy with her own parents' divorce, her brother, her friend who just got out of being admitted, her best friend who is having boy problems, and every other schmuck she decides to help with their petty problems. Don't get me wrong I love that she is helping others because just like me it is what she loves to do. But she still has so much going on in her life that I don't want her to help others until she helps herself. She refuses to do so though because she looks at it negatively and hates herself for asking for help from others.
I have hardly talked to her in the past few weeks. It has made me so pissed off that I actually kept swearing at her and giving her shit all day today. I feel I have a reason to be mad however the way I handled it was in no way proper. I need to get hold of that. If I am truly her friend I can't snap at her when I'm upset and full of depression. That isn't fair to her. However that doesn't change what happened. I regret it I really do. I could go into all these problems about my past and my issues with lack of communication and how I worry about her too much but none of that is an excuse for what happened. I have apologized a few times and I intend to keep apologizing. I really don't want this to be how I act anymore. I don't mind being involved and attached, but as clingy as I am is very bad. I'm working on it. I don't have many high hopes for change though
Overall this week has been torture. I'm going to try to keep myself busy this weekend to help eliminate my downtime and keep myself out of trouble from my own mind. I also have to remember that work is not going to help relax me so I need to plan ideas that are fun for me and will help me relieve stress. It doesn't help that my usual friends of late are either not on my "good list" or are not too interested in me anymore because they don't want to date me and instead want to date someone else and feel guilty about it. Which I will admit hurts but honestly that isn't a problem at all. If someone doesn't want to date me they are more than welcome to make that choice. We were friends before I was interested and I intend to remain like that. We will see what happens though.
I can't quite think of gratitude tonight. So if i post another journal entry I will add it to that.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Friday, October 24th, 2014
2:21am @ Work (Night Audit)
Between working night shifts one half of the week and being swamped with school, coaching and the gym the other half of the week, it would make sense why it is hard for me to have a consistent sleep pattern. Half of my week is nocturnal and the other half is a normal day. The problem lies in that I don't have enough free time between days or events to actually get up and do something that would prolong my sleep schedule so it adjusts better. So instead I just sleep that whole time (which either doesn't work or just makes me exhausted).
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping too much. It would just mean I am relaxing and not getting too exhausted. However half of the days I sleep all day, and the other half I have almost no sleep. It is really fucking with my head. I am becoming groggy, lazy, angry, pessimistic, whiny, and just all around needy. Not to mention that my depression is spiraling out of control due to the sleep schedule being so fucked.
I've been at a point in my life before where I was sleeping all the time. I would wake up, make some food, go watch Netflix until I fell asleep, wake up to use the bathroom or get a snack if I was hungry, and then go lay down and watch Netflix again. It gave me this sense of lack of accomplishment or lack of purpose. Now that I am doing that again guess what sense I'm getting?
Now I have school and I have a job. I'm not missing out on my job. The only time I've missed out is when I was bed-ridden with a cold. Otherwise I've been to work (both coaching and night audit) all the times I was supposed to be. I have missed a few classes.
School has never been a priority of mine after high school. I see the benefit and I value those who have the education and I know I need the degrees if I want to do what I have in mind for a career. However the concept of college drives me nuts. Paying thousands of dollars for teachers who usually have no interest in who you are or what you're doing. Most are simply interested in getting the lessons done and reminding you that they know the material and you don't. While not all are as arrogant as this the entire program is set up to make the classes about power. The teachers have the final say as to what goes and what doesn't and even though you are a grown adult you are not allowed to have a say. This isn't just university either full of trouble making kids who just want to party and waste their parents money. I've been going to community college this whole time. Every community college expects you to do things their way and to do it all on your own too. It is a recipe for failure. There is no hands-on learning. The only way to understand what is happening is to seek outside help. Which entirely defeats the purpose of having the classes. If I sign up for a class I don't want them to just spend the time trying to cover as much as they can and then slamming homework and exams in my face. I want them to teach me how the material works and why it works. Schools just want to flash you images and play memory with you. Looking back at high school (both the mandatory and elective classes) I didn't really learn anything. I just remembered it all for long enough to pass it at the end of the term and then forget about it all. This process is simply amplified in the schooling I've been receiving. It angers me to no end.
Despite all this anger, school is even less of a priority to me because I want to go to a 4-year university next year and will not carry over any credits so I can apply as a freshman. It is better in that I will be around people who are having a fresh start just like me, I will be making friends that will potentially have multiple classes with me throughout the years, and it helps keep me on track by being on campus and only having school happening. So school is basically my lowest priority right now.
Venting helps. But my usual vent is busy with her own shit. The girl that lives far away is busy with her own parents' divorce, her brother, her friend who just got out of being admitted, her best friend who is having boy problems, and every other schmuck she decides to help with their petty problems. Don't get me wrong I love that she is helping others because just like me it is what she loves to do. But she still has so much going on in her life that I don't want her to help others until she helps herself. She refuses to do so though because she looks at it negatively and hates herself for asking for help from others.
I have hardly talked to her in the past few weeks. It has made me so pissed off that I actually kept swearing at her and giving her shit all day today. I feel I have a reason to be mad however the way I handled it was in no way proper. I need to get hold of that. If I am truly her friend I can't snap at her when I'm upset and full of depression. That isn't fair to her. However that doesn't change what happened. I regret it I really do. I could go into all these problems about my past and my issues with lack of communication and how I worry about her too much but none of that is an excuse for what happened. I have apologized a few times and I intend to keep apologizing. I really don't want this to be how I act anymore. I don't mind being involved and attached, but as clingy as I am is very bad. I'm working on it. I don't have many high hopes for change though
Overall this week has been torture. I'm going to try to keep myself busy this weekend to help eliminate my downtime and keep myself out of trouble from my own mind. I also have to remember that work is not going to help relax me so I need to plan ideas that are fun for me and will help me relieve stress. It doesn't help that my usual friends of late are either not on my "good list" or are not too interested in me anymore because they don't want to date me and instead want to date someone else and feel guilty about it. Which I will admit hurts but honestly that isn't a problem at all. If someone doesn't want to date me they are more than welcome to make that choice. We were friends before I was interested and I intend to remain like that. We will see what happens though.
I can't quite think of gratitude tonight. So if i post another journal entry I will add it to that.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Sunday, October 19, 2014
It Comes In Waves
Saturday, October 19th, 2014
12:30am
At Work
This girl that I like that lives nearby. She is wonderful. But she is still stuck between me and this other girl she likes. I told her to go for the other girl not because I am angry about this or anything. I just feel that since they go to school together, have known each other longer, spend more time together and are closer in age that she should try things with her. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to see where things go with this girl but I can't possibly imagine that I would be doing much good by having her choose me over this other girl. It's not like I won't hangout with them if she picks her. I'll still love spending time with them and still want to hangout often. I just think they should try things before she chooses me.
But my depression is taking over. I keep imagining that I won't want to stay with her for whatever reason and that I will end up hurting her by not wanting to date anymore. I know that's totally normal yet it still makes me feel terrible. Who am I to come in and take this girl's time when who even knows if I will like her forever. I mean she is absolutely fantastic but she could just be "not my fantastic girl". I would hate to have that happen and make her regret not choosing the other girl over me at the time. I know I shouldn't be near tears on this but I am. I can feel my depression kicking in and this isn't like usual where I am self-hating. In fact the few months my depression has either been hopeless feelings of inadequacy and no hope for the future or some sort of anger/adrenaline boost that I just want to fight or hurt someone (usually in a controlled method but still the aggression is very much there) to let it all out. This is more of an emotional, stereo-typical girl moment where I just want to cry and be sad simply because I can. There is no real reason to want to cry.
My problems will pass. I am aware of this. But this is how I know I'm feeling the effects of my depression. Despite my awareness of the future and that my mood is not permanent nor are my problems overwhelming in any way I am still feeling horrible and sad. Like I said: it comes in waves.
I haven't had any real problems with my depression in a long time. This still wouldn't classify as a large problem in my book yet this is not the lighter stuff that has been occurring as of late. It scares me a little that it can come back like this. But I will get through this. I have gone through this before and I am committed to beating my illness. Those around me have the same mentality and I'll be damned if I am going through this alone. I. Will. Be. Okay.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
12:30am
At Work
This girl that I like that lives nearby. She is wonderful. But she is still stuck between me and this other girl she likes. I told her to go for the other girl not because I am angry about this or anything. I just feel that since they go to school together, have known each other longer, spend more time together and are closer in age that she should try things with her. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to see where things go with this girl but I can't possibly imagine that I would be doing much good by having her choose me over this other girl. It's not like I won't hangout with them if she picks her. I'll still love spending time with them and still want to hangout often. I just think they should try things before she chooses me.
But my depression is taking over. I keep imagining that I won't want to stay with her for whatever reason and that I will end up hurting her by not wanting to date anymore. I know that's totally normal yet it still makes me feel terrible. Who am I to come in and take this girl's time when who even knows if I will like her forever. I mean she is absolutely fantastic but she could just be "not my fantastic girl". I would hate to have that happen and make her regret not choosing the other girl over me at the time. I know I shouldn't be near tears on this but I am. I can feel my depression kicking in and this isn't like usual where I am self-hating. In fact the few months my depression has either been hopeless feelings of inadequacy and no hope for the future or some sort of anger/adrenaline boost that I just want to fight or hurt someone (usually in a controlled method but still the aggression is very much there) to let it all out. This is more of an emotional, stereo-typical girl moment where I just want to cry and be sad simply because I can. There is no real reason to want to cry.
My problems will pass. I am aware of this. But this is how I know I'm feeling the effects of my depression. Despite my awareness of the future and that my mood is not permanent nor are my problems overwhelming in any way I am still feeling horrible and sad. Like I said: it comes in waves.
I haven't had any real problems with my depression in a long time. This still wouldn't classify as a large problem in my book yet this is not the lighter stuff that has been occurring as of late. It scares me a little that it can come back like this. But I will get through this. I have gone through this before and I am committed to beating my illness. Those around me have the same mentality and I'll be damned if I am going through this alone. I. Will. Be. Okay.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Exhaustion
Despite being trained for this I am exhausted today. I was swamped and didn't have nearly as much down time as I thought I would. Granted the down time today was pretty screwy and some normal procedures were pushed back a bit because I was waiting on other things. Regardless though I am definitely more tired than I should be. So I will keep this journal brief. I can feel myself losing recovery process. I'm going to hydrate as much as I can, go home and shower, eat dinner, go to bed, and attempt to stay in bed for at least eight hours. I'm really hoping to sleep through most of the midday so I can enjoy my mom's birthday dinner tonight before work and my family coming to surprise her for her birthday.
I am absolutely grateful for many things but today I am grateful for being able to accept that I am too lazy to write them all down.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
I am absolutely grateful for many things but today I am grateful for being able to accept that I am too lazy to write them all down.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Anxious Beginning
Today (again tonight...you know I really should time stamp these at the beginning) I am full of anxiety. Tonight is the first night I am on my own doing the night audit. Of course I can handle it and usually I'm nervous about being left on my own with stuff like this; as anyone would be. This is a bit more than I'm used to. I'm very tempted to meditate in the back office because I am so edgy right now. I would explain it as anxiety which to me is like having nerves before a big sporting event or a date of some kind. While that description isn't false I would definitely say that my feelings and emotions now are very much more of how everyone else would describe anxiety. I feel very stiff and nervous like my body could collapse at any moment or that I might snap and having a fit of crying or panic. Here's to the first night.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Getting Back On The Horse
So I've been in bed for three days now. Finally I am out of bed. I don't feel too shitty and honestly I don't think I'm in very bad shape at all. However I still have some minor congestion and a frog in my throat. So to everyone I pass it sounds worse than it actually being said. Despite all that people haven't really made a fuss about anything. Well except for me. I have been laying in bed for three days! If that isn't complete bullshit then I don't know what is.
Maybe I'm just complaining a bunch because I almost never get sick like this. Sometimes I may feel a bit under the weather and sleep in but I haven't been bed ridden in a few years. Last time it was pink-eye (gross) and even then I only stayed in bed because I had to to get better. This time not only did I need to stay in bed to get better, but I was also so worn-out with the sickness that I stayed in bed and slept on and off all three days.
Again as I said before I usually love being lazy but sick is not something I'm okay with. In order to avoid having the same point covered I will move on. I have been so strapped to that bed I haven't eaten properly all week and have not been medicating properly. I'm almost positive I've lost weight. I'm incredibly irritable because of not taking Prozac, and I'm almost positive I'm dehydrated. Is any of this anyone's fault but my own? Of course not. I am completely aware of this fact. It makes me even more mad at myself and my sickness when I accept this.
Thankfully I have to go to work so I got up and while I know I'll be exhausted after this shift, I am thankful that I can get up and keep myself busy while getting my body working again to help rid myself of the last of this cold. Hopefully this is the last I hear of the cold that ruined my week.
Despite the cold things haven't been too hectic. Girls are the only real problem I was having. Even then the problems weren't too crazy. It is mostly my own problems and emotions getting in my own way. There are two girls. One was there when I went through the start of my depression and was my support person during and after. She really helped/helps a lot through everything. Despite the distance (3,000 miles) and her being 17 I couldn't help but fall for her. She really is my angel. Yet we both know that the distance and time it would take to see each other isn't worth waiting. I've been in relationships like this before and they didn't end well so I'm very hesitant to jump back into something like this. I know she is wonderful but I don't know how much of the wonderfulness is real and how much my brain just fills in the blanks with. Then there is this other girl. She's a sweetheart and I enjoy hanging out and socializing with her alone or with others. But by no means is she what my brain tells me I want out of a girlfriend. She is much more independent and not so child-like that I usually find in girls I am interested in. Yet she still makes me happy and I find her gorgeous and I love being around her. The problem I'm having is I know I should date the girl here. The girl who lives far away is wonderful but I still don't know for sure if she is my wonderful. I just want to believe she is. The girl that is here is not the same at all. Yet she makes me happy and I like her and I'm pretty sure that I don't know what I want. So why wouldn't I want to spend my time with someone who makes me happy and I enjoy being around? That's the thing. There isn't a good reason. I am just so scared of making the wrong choice and of my past relationships happening again that I don't want to make a choice. I love both of these girls but I can't have both of them because that's not fair to either of them. The more I think about it the more I know I need to stop being such a bitch and just date the girl here. The girl from far away knows that things may not ever work out between us and she actually encourages me to date this other girl. Sometimes I feel like she just does it though because she doesn't believe she deserves a boyfriend or someone that makes her happy. Also the girl who is here is doing the same thing I am where she likes another girl (yes she is bi) and doesn't know who to pick between me and her and the girl has been around longer than I have. Both of our scenarios make us want to believe the person who has been around longer is the better fit but history and better judgement tells us that that isn't necessarily true. I believe we should see where things go.
The other problem I had is that I am honest. Way too honest! I will be blunt with you if I have to be. In a situation like this I have no problem discussing all of this with both girls. Now both of them appreciate my honesty I don't doubt that at all. However I can obviously tell that they don't always enjoy what I have to say (and who would? the truth sucks sometimes). That's where I got a lot of my shitty emotions today. I was very upset that I possibly ruined things with this girl simply because I didn't know when to shut my mouth. Don't get me wrong I would much rather be too honest than lie too much. However I am aware that too much of anything is a bad thing. I definitely have hurt my chances many times in the past because I was too honest. Sometimes it really is so shocking that people don't know how to deal with it. Other times it is simply that I don't have a stopping point and just keep talking regardless of the person's boundaries. This is one of those moments where I won't change anything about myself (honesty is one of the biggest morals I believe in) but that doesn't mean I don't regret the trouble it (and by it I mean me) gets me into.
Regardless I think I will work this situation out and either way it isn't the end of the world. It may feel like it is for a little bit but I know very well that life will go on and things will get better.
So here are today's things I'm grateful for.
Today is October 17, 2014. It is now 4:28am.
Today I am thankful for:
That's all for this journal guys. Enjoy your days everybody.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Maybe I'm just complaining a bunch because I almost never get sick like this. Sometimes I may feel a bit under the weather and sleep in but I haven't been bed ridden in a few years. Last time it was pink-eye (gross) and even then I only stayed in bed because I had to to get better. This time not only did I need to stay in bed to get better, but I was also so worn-out with the sickness that I stayed in bed and slept on and off all three days.
Again as I said before I usually love being lazy but sick is not something I'm okay with. In order to avoid having the same point covered I will move on. I have been so strapped to that bed I haven't eaten properly all week and have not been medicating properly. I'm almost positive I've lost weight. I'm incredibly irritable because of not taking Prozac, and I'm almost positive I'm dehydrated. Is any of this anyone's fault but my own? Of course not. I am completely aware of this fact. It makes me even more mad at myself and my sickness when I accept this.
Thankfully I have to go to work so I got up and while I know I'll be exhausted after this shift, I am thankful that I can get up and keep myself busy while getting my body working again to help rid myself of the last of this cold. Hopefully this is the last I hear of the cold that ruined my week.
Despite the cold things haven't been too hectic. Girls are the only real problem I was having. Even then the problems weren't too crazy. It is mostly my own problems and emotions getting in my own way. There are two girls. One was there when I went through the start of my depression and was my support person during and after. She really helped/helps a lot through everything. Despite the distance (3,000 miles) and her being 17 I couldn't help but fall for her. She really is my angel. Yet we both know that the distance and time it would take to see each other isn't worth waiting. I've been in relationships like this before and they didn't end well so I'm very hesitant to jump back into something like this. I know she is wonderful but I don't know how much of the wonderfulness is real and how much my brain just fills in the blanks with. Then there is this other girl. She's a sweetheart and I enjoy hanging out and socializing with her alone or with others. But by no means is she what my brain tells me I want out of a girlfriend. She is much more independent and not so child-like that I usually find in girls I am interested in. Yet she still makes me happy and I find her gorgeous and I love being around her. The problem I'm having is I know I should date the girl here. The girl who lives far away is wonderful but I still don't know for sure if she is my wonderful. I just want to believe she is. The girl that is here is not the same at all. Yet she makes me happy and I like her and I'm pretty sure that I don't know what I want. So why wouldn't I want to spend my time with someone who makes me happy and I enjoy being around? That's the thing. There isn't a good reason. I am just so scared of making the wrong choice and of my past relationships happening again that I don't want to make a choice. I love both of these girls but I can't have both of them because that's not fair to either of them. The more I think about it the more I know I need to stop being such a bitch and just date the girl here. The girl from far away knows that things may not ever work out between us and she actually encourages me to date this other girl. Sometimes I feel like she just does it though because she doesn't believe she deserves a boyfriend or someone that makes her happy. Also the girl who is here is doing the same thing I am where she likes another girl (yes she is bi) and doesn't know who to pick between me and her and the girl has been around longer than I have. Both of our scenarios make us want to believe the person who has been around longer is the better fit but history and better judgement tells us that that isn't necessarily true. I believe we should see where things go.
The other problem I had is that I am honest. Way too honest! I will be blunt with you if I have to be. In a situation like this I have no problem discussing all of this with both girls. Now both of them appreciate my honesty I don't doubt that at all. However I can obviously tell that they don't always enjoy what I have to say (and who would? the truth sucks sometimes). That's where I got a lot of my shitty emotions today. I was very upset that I possibly ruined things with this girl simply because I didn't know when to shut my mouth. Don't get me wrong I would much rather be too honest than lie too much. However I am aware that too much of anything is a bad thing. I definitely have hurt my chances many times in the past because I was too honest. Sometimes it really is so shocking that people don't know how to deal with it. Other times it is simply that I don't have a stopping point and just keep talking regardless of the person's boundaries. This is one of those moments where I won't change anything about myself (honesty is one of the biggest morals I believe in) but that doesn't mean I don't regret the trouble it (and by it I mean me) gets me into.
Regardless I think I will work this situation out and either way it isn't the end of the world. It may feel like it is for a little bit but I know very well that life will go on and things will get better.
So here are today's things I'm grateful for.
Today is October 17, 2014. It is now 4:28am.
Today I am thankful for:
- My dogs
- Being able to sleep in and rest when I need it
- Having people around me to talk to when I am stressed
- My math skills
- My bed
That's all for this journal guys. Enjoy your days everybody.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Bullshit Business Math
Just took a numerical reasoning assessment and HOLY FUCK THAT TEST WAS BULLSHIT! Why oh why would I want to do a test like that with a TIME LIMIT! In WHAT world would I need to figure out six different types of businesses information in 25 minutes. That test better have just been to see how far you could get in that time allotted. Also half the questions were worded so shit-ly that I couldn't understand them well enough to get a proper answer in and wow oh wow I realized after I submitted the answer on half of them that I probably got it wrong because the wording was so fucked. I am convinced that the test was either used to see how well you react under pressure or to see how much they can fuck you over and make themselves feel better. I graduated high school with Calculus under my belt as a JUNIOR! That's not crazy good but I'll be damned if that isn't impressive. Most people never even make it to Calculus in their lives and I made it as a junior and even I thought that was complete bullshit! Holy fuck I'm so annoyed at that test. I am not going to let it affect me too much but I'll be damned if I don't shout at the wall about how bullshit that was and curse the people who created that as I lounge about trying to get over my cold for the rest of the day. Man now is one of those times that I was in a contact sport so I could just fuck something up.
Also if you run a business wouldn't you be allowed to get it done in a few hours? NOT in minutes? If the test hadn't asked for 18 questions in 25 minutes I think it would have been fine. Holy shit I want to punch something.
Anyway. I'll just go distract myself.
Stay safe and smile! (and don't take any math assessments)
-Riley Hoiem
Also if you run a business wouldn't you be allowed to get it done in a few hours? NOT in minutes? If the test hadn't asked for 18 questions in 25 minutes I think it would have been fine. Holy shit I want to punch something.
Anyway. I'll just go distract myself.
Stay safe and smile! (and don't take any math assessments)
-Riley Hoiem
Unwanted Laziness
So I've been sick. It probably started from working night shifts and my sleep schedule being so screwy (and all the sleep I missed out on) but after I finished all that I figured it would just be a tiny cold. Well this tiny cold has now kept me in bed for two days. It's the worst.
Don't get me wrong I'm usually all for being lazy as shit and relaxing on my bed and texting the day away while on YouTube; but when I 'm not allowed to do anything else because I know it will just prolong my recovery it really winds me up. I'm so ready to just go outside, long board across town, get in a fight with someone, play a full soccer match and take people out, go to parties and get smashed, go meet cute girls and (attempt/fail to) get their numbers, play a shit ton of video games, and listen to loud intense music (possibly at a rave or something).
Holy shit I think I need to remember to take my Prozac tomorrow. I think my mood is getting a little out of control. See and people say that shit doesn't work. It isn't until it's gone that you realize what it does for you. Yeah in fact I think since I'm switching my sleep schedule tomorrow I'm going to take one tonight.
This has been Riley's unintentional epiphany for the day. I hope you enjoyed and were able to somewhat follow along.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Don't get me wrong I'm usually all for being lazy as shit and relaxing on my bed and texting the day away while on YouTube; but when I 'm not allowed to do anything else because I know it will just prolong my recovery it really winds me up. I'm so ready to just go outside, long board across town, get in a fight with someone, play a full soccer match and take people out, go to parties and get smashed, go meet cute girls and (attempt/fail to) get their numbers, play a shit ton of video games, and listen to loud intense music (possibly at a rave or something).
Holy shit I think I need to remember to take my Prozac tomorrow. I think my mood is getting a little out of control. See and people say that shit doesn't work. It isn't until it's gone that you realize what it does for you. Yeah in fact I think since I'm switching my sleep schedule tomorrow I'm going to take one tonight.
This has been Riley's unintentional epiphany for the day. I hope you enjoyed and were able to somewhat follow along.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Busted
So we have an MLS youth soccer team staying here (I won't disclose the team name as I will probably get in trouble for that) and the boys had a free day for most of the day and seem to also have a free day tomorrow (or today however you want to look at it considering it is 3:30am) so they are up and about. However their coaches just came back and found them in the lobby and gave them a lecture and glared them down for being up at 3am and threatening to send them home tomorrow. While I agree that players shouldn't be up this late whether they have a game or not I can't help but feel that it is mostly the fault of the coaches. The boys are in high school. They are athletes. If you've ever dealt with these types of people you will know that at that age they aren't ones for going to bed if they don't have to get up in the morning. Yet the coaches were out drinking tonight and just arrived back into the hotel at this hour. If you ask me I think the coaches are the ones at fault here given that not only were they leaving the boys unsupervised while traveling out of state but they were also drinking out in town and coming back slightly inebriated. Listen they are grown adults and can drink whenever they want; except when they are being help responsible for looking after teenagers who are traveling away from home and have plenty of free time on their hands. Anyway just my little rant on crooked discipline going on here. I'm sure in the end it won't matter one way or the other and the coaches are more just trying to ensure they are in charge rather than actually terminate any of these players. We will see though.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Helpless
So today (I should say tonight but my internal clock has been set so now it is daytime in my mind) I am working the night audit shift again. It started off easy enough and I was able to do most of the work on my own with only minimal questions. A situation came up where we had to ask the hotel in a neighboring town to help us figure it out and thankfully they knew how to handle it and were able to get a newbie like me through it all. My PIC is still here with me tonight however she wasn't sure how to deal with it either as her training wasn't very extensive before they set her on her own. we manage just fine though so I'm not worried at all.
Here's my dilemma tonight. I checked the results of my survey and found an odd answer amongst one of the questions that allowed people to answer "other" and fill in whatever they so chose in the box. The question was: What do you consider to be the most important achievement(s) in life? This person answered: Kill myself. Now noticing this I went to investigate. The answers from the person didn't seem particularly odd. I didn't get the feeling that the person was just trying to troll and get a reaction out of me. The answers weren't all so negative so I didn't feel like the person taking this was having a breakdown/panic attack of some sort. However the answers still had a lingering of depression. A sense of worthlessness. The person gave off the impression that while they did care about their self they didn't value their self too highly. Now I'm not going to sit here and read off their answers for you. The point of this survey being anonymous is for exactly this reason. The person can answer however they please and not have to worry about me judging them in any way based upon their answers.
I did do a little research though. I did track the IP address and was somewhat relieved to see that the address was not in my area. Therefore I cannot conclude that this person was in my class so I don't have to worry about trying to figure out which one of my classmates is on the brink. However this brought up a new dilemma. This location was somewhere that I have no connections in and have no chance of going to visit in the near future rendering me utterly helpless to this personal physically. Granted I wouldn't just run to ever person I knew who was having problems no matter where they are but I have no way of knowing who this person is. I want to help and talk to them and make sure things are okay and see if I can help in any way but I have no knowledge of where they came from. Were they someone who saw my friends on Facebook sharing it? Someone who happened to pass by my blog on Blogger and happened to decide to take the survey? Someone who saw the link on my Tumblr? What? I don't know how to find this person and I don't want to be too invasive and find out their name or stalk them! I just want to let them know that I am willing to help if they want me to. Or that they are not alone and that someday it will be better. But I can't. That terrifies me. I know I can't save everyone but that doesn't mean I won't try when I can.
So here's my word to this person. Please contact me. It may not seem like a big deal to you but these thoughts you're having are not good. They are very dangerous. Even though you may not know me very well you still told me that you had these thoughts. In one form or another that is reaching out for help and I am trying to reach back. Please don't decide to take your life before at least giving me a chance to try to help. I know it's selfish of me to demand this of you but I really want to try before you make such a permanent decision. Please don't feel like you're alone. I promise you there are others who can relate to what you're going through and even more who are willing to help you get through this. Please. Just give us a chance.
Now I'm back to work and trying to continue finding ways to not be aware that it is almost 3am and I am still wide awake because of money. Until next time I'll just list some of my gratitude here today.
Today is October 12, 2014. It is now 3:02am.
Today I am thankful for:
Being able to respect a person's boundaries to not talk about something.
Being able to access my favorite music from nearly any electronic device with internet.
My drive to help others.
My friends who support all the things I am doing whether it be online or in person.
Being brave enough to accept what I have gone through.
My desire to try.
Until next time guys:
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Here's my dilemma tonight. I checked the results of my survey and found an odd answer amongst one of the questions that allowed people to answer "other" and fill in whatever they so chose in the box. The question was: What do you consider to be the most important achievement(s) in life? This person answered: Kill myself. Now noticing this I went to investigate. The answers from the person didn't seem particularly odd. I didn't get the feeling that the person was just trying to troll and get a reaction out of me. The answers weren't all so negative so I didn't feel like the person taking this was having a breakdown/panic attack of some sort. However the answers still had a lingering of depression. A sense of worthlessness. The person gave off the impression that while they did care about their self they didn't value their self too highly. Now I'm not going to sit here and read off their answers for you. The point of this survey being anonymous is for exactly this reason. The person can answer however they please and not have to worry about me judging them in any way based upon their answers.
I did do a little research though. I did track the IP address and was somewhat relieved to see that the address was not in my area. Therefore I cannot conclude that this person was in my class so I don't have to worry about trying to figure out which one of my classmates is on the brink. However this brought up a new dilemma. This location was somewhere that I have no connections in and have no chance of going to visit in the near future rendering me utterly helpless to this personal physically. Granted I wouldn't just run to ever person I knew who was having problems no matter where they are but I have no way of knowing who this person is. I want to help and talk to them and make sure things are okay and see if I can help in any way but I have no knowledge of where they came from. Were they someone who saw my friends on Facebook sharing it? Someone who happened to pass by my blog on Blogger and happened to decide to take the survey? Someone who saw the link on my Tumblr? What? I don't know how to find this person and I don't want to be too invasive and find out their name or stalk them! I just want to let them know that I am willing to help if they want me to. Or that they are not alone and that someday it will be better. But I can't. That terrifies me. I know I can't save everyone but that doesn't mean I won't try when I can.
So here's my word to this person. Please contact me. It may not seem like a big deal to you but these thoughts you're having are not good. They are very dangerous. Even though you may not know me very well you still told me that you had these thoughts. In one form or another that is reaching out for help and I am trying to reach back. Please don't decide to take your life before at least giving me a chance to try to help. I know it's selfish of me to demand this of you but I really want to try before you make such a permanent decision. Please don't feel like you're alone. I promise you there are others who can relate to what you're going through and even more who are willing to help you get through this. Please. Just give us a chance.
Now I'm back to work and trying to continue finding ways to not be aware that it is almost 3am and I am still wide awake because of money. Until next time I'll just list some of my gratitude here today.
Today is October 12, 2014. It is now 3:02am.
Today I am thankful for:
Being able to respect a person's boundaries to not talk about something.
Being able to access my favorite music from nearly any electronic device with internet.
My drive to help others.
My friends who support all the things I am doing whether it be online or in person.
Being brave enough to accept what I have gone through.
My desire to try.
Until next time guys:
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Saturday, October 11, 2014
First Night
So today was my first shift as a night auditor at a hotel. I'm still training so I'm with another person but she is the girl I will be replacing next week so this is a very brief introduction. There are a few things to cover.
First of all I had to shift my sleep schedule today. I went to sleep pretty late last night and slept in. I woke up, did a few things, went to some friends houses, and came home for a three hour nap. When I awoke I ate, showered and left for work. My shift started at 11pm. It is now almost 6am and I am approaching my final hour of my first shift overnight. Once finished here I have to drive home, take a two-hour nap, then go out to coach followed by a trip to the other side of town to watch the last part of my brother's game that we will miss most of due to coaching. By no means am I complaining. I'm just trying to point out the hectic schedule of my weekend. Also tonight I have to do another night audit shift. So anytime I'm home I'll probably be sleeping. Again: not complaining! I actually really enjoy this job and even though the hours are odd they are keeping me out of trouble for a few weeks and giving me funds to enjoy myself once I'm finished with this job.
The second part is the things I have to do. While most of it is paperwork I also have to do some property checks and walk around the halls at some points (not very often but it's honestly the most excitement I get physically) to deliver papers. Besides that I'm standing at a desk in uncomfortable dress shoes and have to remain close to the desk should a guest come requesting help. I'm not a pussy and by no means am I not used to having to be active but God Damn standing in these shoes with good posture hurts after this long. Most of the employees were warning that I wouldn't have any way of keeping myself awake. They don't allow me to have my phone at the desk however I am allowed to use the computer. I made some modifications (they were making us use Internet Explorer so I downloaded Chrome and have been using that) and now have been working on homework/personal research the whole day and haven't complained at all! I'm rather enjoying this. I've even played iHeartRadio the whole time at a low level and really enjoyed myself tonight.
The last part I'll mention is the girl I'm working with (technically she is training me but we are sharing the work load and she is not really teaching me much just making sure to be there if I have any questions) she is really cool. The only reason this is very odd for me is that she is in her 40's. Yet she is very social and talkative. She has issues and reactions I would expect out of a young adult and has such an enjoyment for what she is leaving for that I almost question if she is truly that old at all. We've talked about a lot today and while a bit of it was pretty heavy most of it was very laidback and casual. It is always interesting to realize the people I meet at this job are never ordinary and by no means would I ever meet them in any scenario outside of a forced one; yet here they all are. These wonderful people of my life all gathered at a place where I am too and inadvertently reminding me that while we may not have a lot of similar interests I can really connect with almost everyone here simply because they are also people. Maybe sometimes we forget that people who are different than us are still similar in one way or another. I probably won't invite this girl out anywhere outside of work. But that doesn't mean I won't remember this conversation for some time. Maybe not forever but it won't easily fade from memory. So here's my grateful list for today:
Today is October 11, 2014. It is now 6:24am.
Today I am thankful for:
The changing weather: God I love rain.
All my friends in opposite timezones to keep me company during these nights.
My mother: For always giving me opportunities.
My longboard: While I probably won't ride it today I still miss that joy I get from it.
Strangers: You never know when one of them will become your next best friend.
Opportunity: Because no matter how many we throw away there will always be another.
And that's about it for now. I'm sure there are more but these are just the few off the top of my head. Hopefully you all have a great day and I hope my day didn't bore you all too much. Until next time guys.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
First of all I had to shift my sleep schedule today. I went to sleep pretty late last night and slept in. I woke up, did a few things, went to some friends houses, and came home for a three hour nap. When I awoke I ate, showered and left for work. My shift started at 11pm. It is now almost 6am and I am approaching my final hour of my first shift overnight. Once finished here I have to drive home, take a two-hour nap, then go out to coach followed by a trip to the other side of town to watch the last part of my brother's game that we will miss most of due to coaching. By no means am I complaining. I'm just trying to point out the hectic schedule of my weekend. Also tonight I have to do another night audit shift. So anytime I'm home I'll probably be sleeping. Again: not complaining! I actually really enjoy this job and even though the hours are odd they are keeping me out of trouble for a few weeks and giving me funds to enjoy myself once I'm finished with this job.
The second part is the things I have to do. While most of it is paperwork I also have to do some property checks and walk around the halls at some points (not very often but it's honestly the most excitement I get physically) to deliver papers. Besides that I'm standing at a desk in uncomfortable dress shoes and have to remain close to the desk should a guest come requesting help. I'm not a pussy and by no means am I not used to having to be active but God Damn standing in these shoes with good posture hurts after this long. Most of the employees were warning that I wouldn't have any way of keeping myself awake. They don't allow me to have my phone at the desk however I am allowed to use the computer. I made some modifications (they were making us use Internet Explorer so I downloaded Chrome and have been using that) and now have been working on homework/personal research the whole day and haven't complained at all! I'm rather enjoying this. I've even played iHeartRadio the whole time at a low level and really enjoyed myself tonight.
The last part I'll mention is the girl I'm working with (technically she is training me but we are sharing the work load and she is not really teaching me much just making sure to be there if I have any questions) she is really cool. The only reason this is very odd for me is that she is in her 40's. Yet she is very social and talkative. She has issues and reactions I would expect out of a young adult and has such an enjoyment for what she is leaving for that I almost question if she is truly that old at all. We've talked about a lot today and while a bit of it was pretty heavy most of it was very laidback and casual. It is always interesting to realize the people I meet at this job are never ordinary and by no means would I ever meet them in any scenario outside of a forced one; yet here they all are. These wonderful people of my life all gathered at a place where I am too and inadvertently reminding me that while we may not have a lot of similar interests I can really connect with almost everyone here simply because they are also people. Maybe sometimes we forget that people who are different than us are still similar in one way or another. I probably won't invite this girl out anywhere outside of work. But that doesn't mean I won't remember this conversation for some time. Maybe not forever but it won't easily fade from memory. So here's my grateful list for today:
Today is October 11, 2014. It is now 6:24am.
Today I am thankful for:
The changing weather: God I love rain.
All my friends in opposite timezones to keep me company during these nights.
My mother: For always giving me opportunities.
My longboard: While I probably won't ride it today I still miss that joy I get from it.
Strangers: You never know when one of them will become your next best friend.
Opportunity: Because no matter how many we throw away there will always be another.
And that's about it for now. I'm sure there are more but these are just the few off the top of my head. Hopefully you all have a great day and I hope my day didn't bore you all too much. Until next time guys.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
Whoa...
So it's been awhile. I guess I can start using this as a sort of thought journal. Well I've kinda used up all my desire to type so maybe I'll come back to this in a few minutes and catch up my day. I'll be sure to let you know. Maybe I'll even explain whats been happening. Who knows though. I'm kinda tired. Also I'm at work and while I have nothing to do it is almost 5am so people will start showing up soon. Either way I think having this will be beneficial to both me and those around me. Here's to exploring my unmanageable thought processes.
Glad to be back!
Riley
Glad to be back!
Riley
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