Hypersomnia

In case the title isn't actually a word; the point of this journal is to talk about how I'm sleeping too much.

Friday, October 24th, 2014
2:21am @ Work (Night Audit)

Between working night shifts one half of the week and being swamped with school, coaching and the gym the other half of the week, it would make sense why it is hard for me to have a consistent sleep pattern. Half of my week is nocturnal and the other half is a normal day. The problem lies in that I don't have enough free time between days or events to actually get up and do something that would prolong my sleep schedule so it adjusts better. So instead I just sleep that whole time (which either doesn't work or just makes me exhausted).

Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping too much. It would just mean I am relaxing and not getting too exhausted. However half of the days I sleep all day, and the other half I have almost no sleep. It is really fucking with my head. I am becoming groggy, lazy, angry, pessimistic, whiny, and just all around needy. Not to mention that my depression is spiraling out of control due to the sleep schedule being so fucked.

I've been at a point in my life before where I was sleeping all the time. I would wake up, make some food, go watch Netflix until I fell asleep, wake up to use the bathroom or get a snack if I was hungry, and then go lay down and watch Netflix again. It gave me this sense of lack of accomplishment or lack of purpose. Now that I am doing that again guess what sense I'm getting?

Now I have school and I have a job. I'm not missing out on my job. The only time I've missed out is when I was bed-ridden with a cold. Otherwise I've been to work (both coaching and night audit) all the times I was supposed to be. I have missed a few classes.

School has never been a priority of mine after high school. I see the benefit and I value those who have the education and I know I need the degrees if I want to do what I have in mind for a career. However the concept of college drives me nuts. Paying thousands of dollars for teachers who usually have no interest in who you are or what you're doing. Most are simply interested in getting the lessons done and reminding you that they know the material and you don't. While not all are as arrogant as this the entire program is set up to make the classes about power. The teachers have the final say as to what goes and what doesn't and even though you are a grown adult you are not allowed to have a say. This isn't just university either full of trouble making kids who just want to party and waste their parents money. I've been going to community college this whole time. Every community college expects you to do things their way and to do it all on your own too. It is a recipe for failure. There is no hands-on learning. The only way to understand what is happening is to seek outside help. Which entirely defeats the purpose of having the classes. If I sign up for a class I don't want them to just spend the time trying to cover as much as they can and then slamming homework and exams in my face. I want them to teach me how the material works and why it works. Schools just want to flash you images and play memory with you. Looking back at high school (both the mandatory and elective classes) I didn't really learn anything. I just remembered it all for long enough to pass it at the end of the term and then forget about it all. This process is simply amplified in the schooling I've been receiving. It angers me to no end.

Despite all this anger, school is even less of a priority to me because I want to go to a 4-year university next year and will not carry over any credits so I can apply as a freshman. It is better in that I will be around people who are having a fresh start just like me, I will be making friends that will potentially have multiple classes with me throughout the years, and it helps keep me on track by being on campus and only having school happening. So school is basically my lowest priority right now.

Venting helps. But my usual vent is busy with her own shit. The girl that lives far away is busy with her own parents' divorce, her brother, her friend who just got out of being admitted, her best friend who is having boy problems, and every other schmuck she decides to help with their petty problems. Don't get me wrong I love that she is helping others because just like me it is what she loves to do. But she still has so much going on in her life that I don't want her to help others until she helps herself. She refuses to do so though because she looks at it negatively and hates herself for asking for help from others.

I have hardly talked to her in the past few weeks. It has made me so pissed off that I actually kept swearing at her and giving her shit all day today. I feel I have a reason to be mad however the way I handled it was in no way proper. I need to get hold of that. If I am truly her friend I can't snap at her when I'm upset and full of depression. That isn't fair to her. However that doesn't change what happened. I regret it I really do. I could go into all these problems about my past and my issues with lack of communication and how I worry about her too much but none of that is an excuse for what happened. I have apologized a few times and I intend to keep apologizing. I really don't want this to be how I act anymore. I don't mind being involved and attached, but as clingy as I am is very bad. I'm working on it. I don't have many high hopes for change though

Overall this week has been torture. I'm going to try to keep myself busy this weekend to help eliminate my downtime and keep myself out of trouble from my own mind. I also have to remember that work is not going to help relax me so I need to plan ideas that are fun for me and will help me relieve stress. It doesn't help that my usual friends of late are either not on my "good list" or are not too interested in me anymore because they don't want to date me and instead want to date someone else and feel guilty about it. Which I will admit hurts but honestly that isn't a problem at all. If someone doesn't want to date me they are more than welcome to make that choice. We were friends before I was interested and I intend to remain like that. We will see what happens though.

I can't quite think of gratitude tonight. So if i post another journal entry I will add it to that.

Stay safe and smile!

-Riley Hoiem