Maybe I'm just complaining a bunch because I almost never get sick like this. Sometimes I may feel a bit under the weather and sleep in but I haven't been bed ridden in a few years. Last time it was pink-eye (gross) and even then I only stayed in bed because I had to to get better. This time not only did I need to stay in bed to get better, but I was also so worn-out with the sickness that I stayed in bed and slept on and off all three days.
Again as I said before I usually love being lazy but sick is not something I'm okay with. In order to avoid having the same point covered I will move on. I have been so strapped to that bed I haven't eaten properly all week and have not been medicating properly. I'm almost positive I've lost weight. I'm incredibly irritable because of not taking Prozac, and I'm almost positive I'm dehydrated. Is any of this anyone's fault but my own? Of course not. I am completely aware of this fact. It makes me even more mad at myself and my sickness when I accept this.
Thankfully I have to go to work so I got up and while I know I'll be exhausted after this shift, I am thankful that I can get up and keep myself busy while getting my body working again to help rid myself of the last of this cold. Hopefully this is the last I hear of the cold that ruined my week.
Despite the cold things haven't been too hectic. Girls are the only real problem I was having. Even then the problems weren't too crazy. It is mostly my own problems and emotions getting in my own way. There are two girls. One was there when I went through the start of my depression and was my support person during and after. She really helped/helps a lot through everything. Despite the distance (3,000 miles) and her being 17 I couldn't help but fall for her. She really is my angel. Yet we both know that the distance and time it would take to see each other isn't worth waiting. I've been in relationships like this before and they didn't end well so I'm very hesitant to jump back into something like this. I know she is wonderful but I don't know how much of the wonderfulness is real and how much my brain just fills in the blanks with. Then there is this other girl. She's a sweetheart and I enjoy hanging out and socializing with her alone or with others. But by no means is she what my brain tells me I want out of a girlfriend. She is much more independent and not so child-like that I usually find in girls I am interested in. Yet she still makes me happy and I find her gorgeous and I love being around her. The problem I'm having is I know I should date the girl here. The girl who lives far away is wonderful but I still don't know for sure if she is my wonderful. I just want to believe she is. The girl that is here is not the same at all. Yet she makes me happy and I like her and I'm pretty sure that I don't know what I want. So why wouldn't I want to spend my time with someone who makes me happy and I enjoy being around? That's the thing. There isn't a good reason. I am just so scared of making the wrong choice and of my past relationships happening again that I don't want to make a choice. I love both of these girls but I can't have both of them because that's not fair to either of them. The more I think about it the more I know I need to stop being such a bitch and just date the girl here. The girl from far away knows that things may not ever work out between us and she actually encourages me to date this other girl. Sometimes I feel like she just does it though because she doesn't believe she deserves a boyfriend or someone that makes her happy. Also the girl who is here is doing the same thing I am where she likes another girl (yes she is bi) and doesn't know who to pick between me and her and the girl has been around longer than I have. Both of our scenarios make us want to believe the person who has been around longer is the better fit but history and better judgement tells us that that isn't necessarily true. I believe we should see where things go.
The other problem I had is that I am honest. Way too honest! I will be blunt with you if I have to be. In a situation like this I have no problem discussing all of this with both girls. Now both of them appreciate my honesty I don't doubt that at all. However I can obviously tell that they don't always enjoy what I have to say (and who would? the truth sucks sometimes). That's where I got a lot of my shitty emotions today. I was very upset that I possibly ruined things with this girl simply because I didn't know when to shut my mouth. Don't get me wrong I would much rather be too honest than lie too much. However I am aware that too much of anything is a bad thing. I definitely have hurt my chances many times in the past because I was too honest. Sometimes it really is so shocking that people don't know how to deal with it. Other times it is simply that I don't have a stopping point and just keep talking regardless of the person's boundaries. This is one of those moments where I won't change anything about myself (honesty is one of the biggest morals I believe in) but that doesn't mean I don't regret the trouble it (and by it I mean me) gets me into.
Regardless I think I will work this situation out and either way it isn't the end of the world. It may feel like it is for a little bit but I know very well that life will go on and things will get better.
So here are today's things I'm grateful for.
Today is October 17, 2014. It is now 4:28am.
Today I am thankful for:
- My dogs
- Being able to sleep in and rest when I need it
- Having people around me to talk to when I am stressed
- My math skills
- My bed
That's all for this journal guys. Enjoy your days everybody.
Stay safe and smile!
-Riley Hoiem
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