Helpless

So today (I should say tonight but my internal clock has been set so now it is daytime in my mind) I am working the night audit shift again. It started off easy enough and I was able to do most of the work on my own with only minimal questions. A situation came up where we had to ask the hotel in a neighboring town to help us figure it out and thankfully they knew how to handle it and were able to get a newbie like me through it all. My PIC is still here with me tonight however she wasn't sure how to deal with it either as her training wasn't very extensive before they set her on her own. we manage just fine though so I'm not worried at all.

Here's my dilemma tonight. I checked the results of my survey and found an odd answer amongst one of the questions that allowed people to answer "other" and fill in whatever they so chose in the box. The question was: What do you consider to be the most important achievement(s) in life? This person answered: Kill myself. Now noticing this I went to investigate. The answers from the person didn't seem particularly odd. I didn't get the feeling that the person was just trying to troll and get a reaction out of me. The answers weren't all so negative so I didn't feel like the person taking this was having a breakdown/panic attack of some sort. However the answers still had a lingering of depression. A sense of worthlessness. The person gave off the impression that while they did care about their self they didn't value their self too highly. Now I'm not going to sit here and read off their answers for you. The point of this survey being anonymous is for exactly this reason. The person can answer however they please and not have to worry about me judging them in any way based upon their answers.

I did do a little research though. I did track the IP address and was somewhat relieved to see that the address was not in my area. Therefore I cannot conclude that this person was in my class so I don't have to worry about trying to figure out which one of my classmates is on the brink. However this brought up a new dilemma. This location was somewhere that I have no connections in and have no chance of going to visit in the near future rendering me utterly helpless to this personal physically. Granted I wouldn't just run to ever person I knew who was having problems no matter where they are but I have no way of knowing who this person is. I want to help and talk to them and make sure things are okay and see if I can help in any way but I have no knowledge of where they came from. Were they someone who saw my friends on Facebook sharing it? Someone who happened to pass by my blog on Blogger and happened to decide to take the survey? Someone who saw the link on my Tumblr? What? I don't know how to find this person and I don't want to be too invasive and find out their name or stalk them! I just want to let them know that I am willing to help if they want me to. Or that they are not alone and that someday it will be better. But I can't. That terrifies me. I know I can't save everyone but that doesn't mean I won't try when I can.

So here's my word to this person. Please contact me. It may not seem like a big deal to you but these thoughts you're having are not good. They are very dangerous. Even though you may not know me very well you still told me that you had these thoughts. In one form or another that is reaching out for help and I am trying to reach back. Please don't decide to take your life before at least giving me a chance to try to help. I know it's selfish of me to demand this of you but I really want to try before you make such a permanent decision. Please don't feel like you're alone. I promise you there are others who can relate to what you're going through and even more who are willing to help you get through this. Please. Just give us a chance.

Now I'm back to work and trying to continue finding ways to not be aware that it is almost 3am and I am still wide awake because of money. Until next time I'll just list some of my gratitude here today.

Today is October 12, 2014. It is now 3:02am.

Today I am thankful for:

Being able to respect a person's boundaries to not talk about something.

Being able to access my favorite music from nearly any electronic device with internet.

My drive to help others.

My friends who support all the things I am doing whether it be online or in person.

Being brave enough to accept what I have gone through.

My desire to try.

Until next time guys:
Stay safe and smile!

-Riley Hoiem