It Comes In Waves

Saturday, October 19th, 2014
12:30am
At Work

This girl that I like that lives nearby. She is wonderful. But she is still stuck between me and this other girl she likes. I told her to go for the other girl not because I am angry about this or anything. I just feel that since they go to school together, have known each other longer, spend more time together and are closer in age that she should try things with her. I mean don't get me wrong I would love to see where things go with this girl but I can't possibly imagine that I would be doing much good by having her choose me over this other girl. It's not like I won't hangout with them if she picks her. I'll still love spending time with them and still want to hangout often. I just think they should try things before she chooses me.

But my depression is taking over. I keep imagining that I won't want to stay with her for whatever reason and that I will end up hurting her by not wanting to date anymore. I know that's totally normal yet it still makes me feel terrible. Who am I to come in and take this girl's time when who even knows if I will like her forever. I mean she is absolutely fantastic but she could just be "not my fantastic girl". I would hate to have that happen and make her regret not choosing the other girl over me at the time. I know I shouldn't be near tears on this but I am. I can feel my depression kicking in and this isn't like usual where I am self-hating. In fact the few months my depression has either been hopeless feelings of inadequacy and no hope for the future or some sort of anger/adrenaline boost that I just want to fight or hurt someone (usually in a controlled method but still the aggression is very much there) to let it all out. This is more of an emotional, stereo-typical girl moment where I just want to cry and be sad simply because I can. There is no real reason to want to cry.

My problems will pass. I am aware of this. But this is how I know I'm feeling the effects of my depression. Despite my awareness of the future and that my mood is not permanent nor are my problems overwhelming in any way I am still feeling horrible and sad. Like I said: it comes in waves.

I haven't had any real problems with my depression in a long time. This still wouldn't classify as a large problem in my book yet this is not the lighter stuff that has been occurring as of late. It scares me a little that it can come back like this. But I will get through this. I have gone through this before and I am committed to beating my illness. Those around me have the same mentality and I'll be damned if I am going through this alone. I. Will. Be. Okay.

Stay safe and smile!

-Riley Hoiem